Dying Swan.

...
I don't understand.
It just doesn't make sense.
Why am I like this?
How did I get here?
I'm confused.
I'm frustrated.
I'm filled with anxiety.

...But no emotion.

I hate this. All I want to do is scream, but I cant. I want to cry, but I cant. If I try really hard when I am in the bathtub I can cry for about 4 seconds.... then I shift back to neutral.

Today I was filled with so much hope. After seeing numerous doctors, I found myself seeing a psychiatrist. This was not something I had really wanted to do at first, but I gave it an honest try. Talking really isn't my thing. I have been alone my whole life, and keep everything to my self. I have this mentality that people have enough troubles of their own, so the last thing they need is to hear my problems. That's just selfish.

But she was nice. It was weird, but nice. The first thing I noticed was how she acted like she genuinely cared about me. That just kind of freaked me out, but I am getting used to it.

I am learning a lot about myself. I don't deal with stress, I hide it inside, so I am living in this constant state of anxiety. This created a "cloud"(my own word) in my hear where I cant think, focus, or have conversations. I don't feel sad, but I never feel joy either. I just feel numb.

There are 2 rare times that I have feelings, though. One is when I watch ballet. I cant even describe it, Its like all my feelings come out at once. Its wonderful.

The other time is... when I eat. Of course. I don't really feel emotion, I just feel... escape i guess. This leads to ridiculous binge eating, which leads to guilt, which leads to hatred of food and myself, which leads to hatred of my body, which leads to hatred of me dancing.

I am not a dancer. Dancers can't be ugly and fat. Its an insult to what I love most. I will not insult ballet with my fat presence.

But what do I have left? I am in a trap. My teachers and classmates depend on me, yet I cant bring myself to class without feeling disgrace and disappointment. The world would be a better place if I wasn't in it.

I don't belong in the school I go to. I admire my teacher so much. I don't know why she even let me in in the first place. I am fat, have short limbs, bad turnout, and bad feet. Not to mention I am too old. I started to late and don't know anything. I can't even remember combinations.

Today I thought things would be better. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my new anti-depressants with stimulating and appetite suppressing effects, only to find that my psychiatrist never even sent them. I went in such a downward spiral, I almost had an anxiety attack in the middle of the store. I skipped dance today. I felt so bad, and still do. I think I ate about 3000 calories today. I don't deserve life. I actually want to die right now. That's scary.

I will never be a ballerina. So I want to die. Hows that for a distorted view on life? Yet ballet is the only thing in my life that I value. Without it, I have nothing. I am nothing.

I really want to tell someone this, but I cant. There is a block, and I just can't. In my twisted mind I think that by letting someone know my feelings and struggles and truths, I am harming them. I am darkening their life. Everyone's life is precious, so why should I ruin them with my presence?

I just wish I could dance away my problems. Its just that ballet brings me so much physical and emotional pain. My body hurts so much when I dance now, and I can't do point any more. It isn't fair. It isn't fair.