Rant: please please read and comment.

Today was an OK day. for breakkie I had cerial, and that amounted to just under 220 cals. lunch was a sandwitch that I will guess was 300 cals (bread - 150, cheese - 30, imitation crab meat - 100). for supper I made a stir fry with celery, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, tofu, and olive oil. No idea how many cals in that. I also made some rice (I thought my friends were coming over but didn't), but i only had two forkfuls, the rest got thrown out. Oh shit I had a muffin.
Wow, I just realized as I am writing this, I am making myself sick. I feel so guilty. I didn't realise how much I ate until I wrote it down. All I want to do is purge, but there is no point now. Tomorrow will be better, it has to be. :(

Some of you might be wondering what my purpose for this blog really is. As you probably noticed, I never mentioned "anorexic", or "pro-ana" here at all. I don't consider myself anorexic. I don't deserve it.
Anorexics are thin. I am not. Look how much I ate today! I have no control like someone with ana has.My battle with my weight doesn't come from wanting to be skinny like the models, or pressure from society, or wanting acceptance from others.

I want to be a ballerina.

Ballerinas are perfect, I am not.
Ballerinas are pretty, I am not.
Ballerinas are confident, I am not.
Ballerinas are happy with themselves, I am not.
Ballerinas are always loved, I am not.
Ballerinas are always wanted, I am not.
Ballerinas are always graceful, I am not.
Ballerinas are magical and sylph like, I am not.

There is nothing wrong with a ballerina. Everything is wrong with me. I am a useless blob. I live on my own and have no friends and I don't get along with my family. Not only that, but I don't want friends. A social life interferes with dance training. Why would I want to hang out with fiends? I could be stretching/training/studying technique. Its not worth it.
Unfortunately there is the one relationship I cant seem to give up: food.
Ahhhh it drives me crazy!
I don't know what to do. Because I am so new to ballet, my muscles aren't what they should be at my intermediate level. Plus I am discovering new ones every class. I can't simply starve myself because my body won't just eat my fat. It will eat my muscle too, and I cant afford that. So what do I do? Eat like the dance nutrition books tell me to?
Greeaat. Newsflash: I don't eat junk. I don't have a sweet tooth, and I don't care for fried foods. I like fruits and veggies, I don't eat a lot of meet. This all sounds good, until you realise that I way 140 effing pounds. Why? I think its carbs. I cut bread from my diet, and I think its helping. But its still not enough.
I am such a fat cow. Not only is it completely disgusting, but it interferes with my dancing as well. Beats+ginormous thighs=Fail. Simple as that. While were at it, balletwannabe+fat=fail.

Don't worry about it, people say. Its not the end of the world, people say. Don't work so hard that you'll kill yourself, people say.

Don't worry about it? Are you kidding? It is my world.
Before ballet, I had nothing. Nothing but depression and fat. I didn't care about my life, and didn't give a hoot what happens to me. "So, I might get hit by a car tomorrow. If it happens, it happens. It's not like my life is worth anything anyways." I lead a destructive lifestyle, because that wall all I could gain happiness from. That all has changed. Ballet lives with me every day, and not a second goes by without its presence. It filled the holes in my heart carved by loneliness and emptiness, and watching it brings such a euphoria, different from what I have ever experienced before. Going to class and transforming myself into a real dancer is more addicting than any substance I had tried before. Yes, I will work as hard as I can, because that cant kill me, but not working hard enough will.

I always feel like time is my enemy. I am running out of time. I can't just wait to be better tomorrow, even being better today isn't good enough. I need to be better yesterday. I am a fat, untalented 18-year-old, and I will change this as fast as I can.

This is so hard. I want to cry.

You know what really gets me? There are these girls in my level. They are all incredibly gifted: slim, nice feet, and the turnout! Oh, what I would give for even a little bit of turnout. We have this amazing teacher. Yes she is harsh, but she knows what it takes to make it in the dance group. We are incredibly blessed to have her. Yet they complain. Here I am working with all I have, completely red and drenched with sweat, just to be at the level they are dancing at, with minimal effort. And they get pissed when the teacher yells at them for it. Hello, you are in a professional school, and are expected to work. If not, why are you here? If you are going to complain, go to those frilly little competition schools, and let those of us who want to work do it.

Life isn't fair. I want to be a dancer. I want the studio to be my home forever. I want to be able to support myself and dance every day, not going broke just to be in lessons. I want to push myself to the limits with people like me. I want to be on stage. I don't even have to be the star. Just let me be that snowflake, that Wilis, that swan in the back corner, barely in vision. please, I'm bleeding here.

Help me. I need to speak with someone who understands, and needs dance. I am going mad.
Hell, even if you hate dance, please tell me something. Call me fat! Call me weak! I need more motivation, because I am not good enough