Just another day...

Today started off as a normal day.

I woke up at 6:20. I brushed my hair.

I washed my face and put my contact lenses in.

I ate a bowl of cerial and an orange.

I went to work...

There was another girl there, doing the jobs I normally do.

My manager looked at me in surprise and said "didn't you know you don't work today?"

What? As far as I knew, I was the only person who worked mornings on weekdays.

This is exactly how it happened last time.

I was fired from my job as soon as they found a replacement for me.

No warning. Nothing.

It's funny because I just asked my boss if I was doing anything wrong, and told him I am trying to be my best.

"No, your wonderful"

He said he was cutting my hours because they aren't getting enough buisness.

I understood that. Its tough for a little cafe during the winter.

Apperantly that was all bullshit. Wow, this even made me swear.

Thats all I want to do right now.

God damn muther fucking swear.

Funny. I was so set for making myself a better person this year. Some of my goals were to not swear and be a better christian.

Wow I'm delusional.

I guess I am going to have to put an adult content warning because of this.

With this little job, I can barely squeeze my rent and dance payments. If I want to go out, get groceries, buy clothes, forget it. I cant afford it.

But I was ok with that.

Now I am terrified.

I am living alone.

I have no friends.

I cant support myself.

I am lonely and depressed, from this I cant stop eating.

I'm fat.

I'm fat.

I'm fat.

All I want is to be a beauitiful dancer. Look what this has cost me!

My collage savings are being eaten up.

I abandoned not only my family and friends, but my whole identity.

I gave up on school, and any possiblility of a future.

The worst part? I am a TERRIBLE dancer.

terrible.

I started dancing at 17. When I was 16 I took a once a week small town class, but i dont count that. It was like an exercise class.

Who starts ballet at 17? Never mind moving 3 hours away from their home to do it!

I am so stupid.

'Well, if you try and try, and work hard you will succeed.'

This is a lie.

There are milions of people who work hard. It isn't enough.

It isn't true in real life, and it certainly isn't true for me.

Sorry kiddies.

I work hard at dance. Its completely rediculous. I turn red and break into a crazy sweat during plies. My improvement has been immense. But it doesn't matter.

I have no turnout.

Its ugly.

Its gross.

It makes me really sad.

So Im giving up everything, knowing I will fail. Nice.

Its almost like I dont want to succeed in life.

I dont deserve it, happiness, security...

I wont even date right now. I get so much anxiety. "I cant afford to distract myself from dance" is what I say.

I cant afford friends. I cant afford anything.

Have you ever noticed that everything is a distraction?